Is Honesty Always the Best Policy?
A friend asks if their haircut looks good, and you have two options: a) reassure them that it does (even when it does not) and make them happy, or b) tell them the truth but potentially hurt their feelings in the process. Which would you choose? This situation presents a dilemma we face regularly. In fact, it’s so common that the solution is almost obvious: a little white lie wouldn’t hurt. After all, they don’t have to know the truth, especially if it comes at the cost of their feelings—right?
From childhood, we’re taught that honesty is the best policy. Over time, that rule gets revised to consider politeness in social interactions; eventually, the policy becomes more situational than standard. Despite this, if you asked that friend if they wanted an honest answer or a kind one, they would most likely choose the former. No one likes to be lied to, so why do people still tell white lies?
According to the Cambridge University Dictionary, a white lie is defined as “a lie told in order to be polite or to stop someone from being upset by the truth.” The latter part of the definition provides an answer to that question—we often don’t trust those around us to handle the truth. Similarly, we may be told white lies because people fear upsetting us with what they really think. Nowadays, people have many more reasons to be afraid, especially with the rise of a term called “therapy-speak,” which is essentially the normalization of psychological terms formerly only used by professionals. The use of these terms may be misused by those who desire to cut people off at the slightest hint of brutal honesty; for example, mislabeling criticism as “toxicity” or “gaslighting” and using this as an excuse to end a relationship. In reality, however, they may just be unable to handle the truth. More often than not, we say we want the truth when, subconsciously, we just want our own beliefs to be validated.
So, how do we eliminate dishonesty in our interactions? On the receiving end, it’s vital to show people that you can handle the truth. One factor is being able to understand other people’s perspectives—though they will not always convey it nicely, it’s important to see that they still hold some value. Plain speaking should be differentiated from “harassment” and “toxicity.” Just like how our perspectives have at least a little truth in them, we should be open to the fact that others’ views have some truth in them, too.
Meanwhile, on the giving end, it seems that choosing to tell a white lie often boils down to the decision on whether to be honest or be kind. However, the choice is not simply black and white, as being truthful and being kind are not mutually exclusive. There are certain ways we can convey our thoughts in a way that preserves the truth while remaining considerate—for example, as a kinder alternative, instead of simply telling a friend that you don’t like their haircut, you could instead say that, though you’re not a fan of it, its quality should be judged by whether it makes them happy. At the end of the day, using anyone’s feelings as an excuse to lie is still just an excuse to lie, which we all know we shouldn’t do. Besides, we should learn to trust those around us to handle the truth maturely, especially those we love or are close to. Who knows, maybe your friend really does need the truth as a wake-up call to their (objectively) bad haircut.
